Love in it's many facets

I've had a lot of weird stuff running through my head lately. Scenario's mostly. What might've been and what yet may be. It's funny to think what might've happened if I'd kissed her that night, or if I'd called another her after our first date, or if I'd had the confidence in myself to ask multiple past, present, and future hers out.I believe the operative words here are "I'd" and "her".

Here's a good one for you, "I'd never believe my own luck with 'hers' if I hadn't experienced it myself."

Thinking about this is rather strange. My whole life I've never looked back and said anything in regret. Usually I just used a favorite excuse like, "Oh, well, we couldn't las 2 years apart anyway." or "She would've sent the ol' dear John after 6 months.". There was only one person I had any regret with and we wound up being too different to be together as anything more than friends.

I came home and now I've run out of excuses for not dating (except that I just don't want to). It's an unusual thing, I suppose, for a guy in my position NOT to want to date, butthen again when have I ever been usual about anything?

I do miss the tingles, though. You know what I'm talking about. That uspoken feeling you have whenever you think of someone special to you, to whom you know you're also special, like sheer energy flowing through your body, crackling at certain points with pure warmth.

Yeah, I miss that. But it makes life a lot easier to be invincibilly secure behind a wall of seclusion.

Unfortunately, the heart is as much a muscle as a bicep or quadricep, and will atrophy with time. That's my only fear. That my own invicibility will be my own undoing. Ah, well, working at my job and trying to find a girl, not having success at either.

Light at the end of the tunnell

It seems that darkest night precedes the dawn. I'm finally on an upcurve for once. Had to change the layout of the screen here. Black gets so droll sometimes. Green felt right for now.

I finally found some work, though I don't expect a great paycheck. I start tomorrow working at Office Max. For now, work is work. I'm glad to finally begin the process of acclimation back into normal society. Money is my friend, I hope we'll soon be seeing a lot more of each other.

The darkness has begun to dissipate, The mist fading again into the black recesses of my mind I didn't know were there before. I'm finally starting to feel more like myself. Once I figured out that I'm really a pretty decent person, I started to like myself again. I'm also shedding these blasted social inhibitions that somehow were imposed upon my former overly impressionable mind. The biggest lesson I've learned in the last year was that nobody, and I mean NOBODY, has power to influence me without my permission. I'm almost back to full strength, and I refuse to give my power to anyone ever again. One of the great justices this world has to offer is that we get to choose who we want to be. I choose who I once was. I choose to be the person I loved when I was here a year ago.

I'm back baby!

Getting downright onry (sp?) lately. Can't seem to find a way out of my house to save my life. I can't sleep at night, and barely sleep in the day. This sucks. Damn you insomnia!

On the upside of things, I resumed communications with a very nice young lady of my aquaintance. A year is a long time, but some people don't notice, while others do. I most certainly don't mind.

Tried writing again. It's like flexing muscles I haven't used in a long time. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll never get back to where I was, but then again, I don't really care that much.

Still dealing with stupid issues about how I look, who I am, where I'm going and all that. It's a weird thing to tread water. I was always getting ready before. Now I have nothing to get ready for. My whole life's mission was to be ready for the one event I proved unable to complete in it's fullness. I keep trying to tell myself it's because I'm sick, but this twisted, tiny part of myself keeps laughing every time I say that.

"It's all in your head." He keeps saying.
"Then why the migraine's? Why the ulcer?"
"It's all psychosomatic. You just couldn't hack it."
"Just shut up."

Boy, aren't I just a big bucket 'o sunshine? Well, trying to resolve stuff as best I can. Need work. Anyone know of someplace that's hiring, let me know.

On another note, please don't post anonymously if you can avoid it. I love knowing names of the people who look at my blog. It's nice to know someone actually stops here once in a great while.

Luve ya'all!