My pirate type

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Just for Meredith

I've been reading an excellent book lately by Earl Nightingale. If you've never heard or read anything by this man, you're depriving yourself of a real treat. As you read what he has to say, you think to yourself, "that could be me, I know it could, but how?" You find yourself asking questions you didn't think were necessary, but that you find out are.

One comment he makes is that old friends are like old clothes. There comes a time when they, too, become ragged and worn and their measurements no longer fit you. This is the time to say goodbye to them. Not, perhaps, aloud, but in your mind is sufficient.

I've been catching myself asking my friend if he remembers certain people from High School. He looks at me like I'm crazy, and moves on to something else. I think he understood the lesson Mr. Nightingale was getting at.

Now, before I get any questions, if you're reading this blog, you aren't one of the friendships I'm thinking of. I love and value you all so much. It's just interesting for me to think of all the old relationships I used to have, and how much I've been trying to hold on to those. I suppose I'm one of those people who unconsciously kicks and claws my way into change, though consciously I know it's inevitable.

Well, now for my list of things I'm thankful for.

1. To know my Father in Heaven
2. To have been born into the Gospel of Jesus Christ, because I don't think I'm faithful enough to have come to it on my own.
3. Good friends who love and support me.
4. Dreams as big as the starry night sky
5. My present and future education
6. To live in an age where information flows at the speed of light
7. Love, in all it's many facets
8. Family
9. The solace that only comes with dreaming
10. A car with a full tank of gas (ask me about this sometime if you're interested)
11. Gutenberg and the printing press.
12. The science of physics and her heroes, Sir Issac Newton, Daniel Bernoulli, and all the others.
13. The founding fathers, and their bravery to commit high treason
14. My talents and abilities
15. Good books
16. Free internet
17. My laptop
18. My Freedom
19. The Book of Mormon
20. The Bible

Just a few of my favorite blessings. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, I hope you're all as blessed as I am, and deserve them more than I do.

Another escape

So I've been going back to a corner in my mind. I can only go there at the end of a long day. I sit on the couch in my living room and sip hot spearmint tea. It must be spearmint, I believe this is the result of magical properties of said leaves. Will experiment later, and report.

In this corner there's a log cabin set back in a wood. In a small stone fireplace, there crackles a warm fire. There's a blanket on my lap, and I sit in a large overstuffed chair. I can hear a few of the sounds of the forest outside my window. Off to my right sits a wooden desk. A quill pen and a small inkpot sit beside a sheet of paper, all resting having done their tasks for the day. It's quiet, but a comfortable kind of quiet. Not an unsettling silence, but a peacable solace, with just enough patter to let the mind wander up and down over the hills and dales of the mind.

The tea warms my insides as I snuggle my blanket closer, warm and comfortable before my fire. It feels almost cleansing, somehow, the heat of the tea against the cold outside.

A few things

1) I'm a nice person. I try my best to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. This does not mean I am not entitled to the occasional bad day. They do happen, a lot more recently than they used to, it's true, but that's neither here nor there.

2) I do not now, nor have I ever liked to be preached too. I consider cliches and sayings usually as coming from the mouths of those who take comfort in the fact that others have shared the predicament. I don't. If you really want to help me, just tell me you understand. I don't complain because I want to be fixed. Usually I complain to get it out of my system, and it only seems to work if someone else is there to listen.

3) When I'm having a bad day, please just recognize that that's all it is. I'm not attacking you intentionally. I don't want to hurt you, and I'm trying not too. Just understand I have a lot of anger built up in me right now. I don't know why, or at what, but it's there.

4) Becoming the person that the person you want to marry wants to marry (did you follow that?) is not all it's cracked up to be if the person you want to marry very well may only exist in dreams.

5) Nothing pisses me off more when I'm in a bad mood than someone telling me I am/recently have been ornery. Even if I say it, it does NOT give you permission to say it back. Shallow, I know, but that's the way it is.

6) I am an actor. All the world is my stage, and all people merely players therein, (though I've seen more than a few marionette puppets out there too). I may very well act like a bad mood has passed when it most certainly has not. This is my gift, my right, and my prerogative. It does NOT make me false faced or decietful, only attempting to be considerate.

7) I don't mind listening to your problems. But if I have a problem I'm trying to talk about and you start telling me all about yours, that tells me we have a very one sided friendship.

8) It is not, I repeat, NOT my responsibility as a nice guy to take out your friends because they've never had a good date/they have self-esteem issues. This happens to me often. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm sorry. I haven't the time nor money to date people I wouldn't consider dating again. Your asking me to do this is taking advantage of me, and it makes me feel like you really don't care much about me at all. It makes me feel like a tool in your arsenal to help your REAL friends. How akward is the position I'm put in when you tell me all about this great friend of yours who doesn't date much, and that I simply MUST take them out? Please, I want to be your friend, but I don't want to be your spare-tire date for your friends.

9) I am a protector. The only way I know is to protect others. But I'm learning that protecting others is really only weakening them. It makes them too reliant on me or someone else for survival.

10) I'm afraid anyone that I could love who could ever love me the way I am is already taken. I can't afford to take the road that others I know have taken, to call protection and a desire to help love. Moreover, I'm afraid to love. If I love you, you can hurt me.

11) I'm afraid I'm a disappointment to the Most High. My creator gave me such potential. He wants me to be a teacher of his words, and yet I feel unworthy. I screw up so stupidly. I don't understand it. I know what the right thing is, and yet I choose the other path, looking for a moments solace.

12) I can't let go. I've tried so hard to forgive, to forget. It just hurts so much. Just because you pull the bullet from the wound doesn't make the pain go away. Have I truly forgiven if I think of how I was betrayed every time I see them? If I find myself being careful of what I say to them, because I can't trust like I used to? I handed them my own kryptonite, and in a fiery moment, it was thrust in my face, for all the world to see. Sometimes I wish my Father would punish me for my own wickedness in this. Then maybe I could feel forgiven for my difficulty in forgiveness. How can I ask him to forgive me, if I can't forgive others?

13) Somebody out there love me, please. I know I'm just a big, dumb, clumsy, air-headed galoot, but please, find something. anything. anything human in me. Show me I'm not a neanderthal, like they tell me I am. I want to believe it, but all I have anymore is my own clumsy, tactless, depressed, hollow shell of the man I thought I would be.

Too many questions

Once again, I'm going to abuse my blogging rights to explore my own inner gripes. Today I'll choose my most common griping subject. Women!

For all of you psych students out there, majors or just personally intersted, please, your thoughts are appreciated.

Why is it that I cannot be attracted to a nice, unnatached girl? If I start to like a girl, one of the following items invariably happens.

1) The girl will/already will have/is thinking about hooking up with a friend/roommate/aquaintance of mine. I don't move until I get to know people first, and I'm aware I move too slowly, so that's probably the cause of this.

2) The girl will have a friend who likes me (that I don't like that way in return, I might add) and will therefore be loyal to her friend

3) Will be someone that is cared for by a friend of mine

4) She turns out to have self-esteem issues/narcissistic tendencies

and my personal favorite (because it seems to be the most common) 5) She already has a boyfriend or is seeing someone steadily.

I just want it all, is that so much to ask? Nice smile, wants a big family, educated, smart, fun to be around, a good conversationalist, shares some of my interests, likes to read, etc., this is all I'm asking.

I just want to know what it is I'm missing. Why am I always attracted to girls otherwise occupied. Maybe it's just that I want what I can't have, but I just don't think that's it.

guh