A few things
1) I'm a nice person. I try my best to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. This does not mean I am not entitled to the occasional bad day. They do happen, a lot more recently than they used to, it's true, but that's neither here nor there.
2) I do not now, nor have I ever liked to be preached too. I consider cliches and sayings usually as coming from the mouths of those who take comfort in the fact that others have shared the predicament. I don't. If you really want to help me, just tell me you understand. I don't complain because I want to be fixed. Usually I complain to get it out of my system, and it only seems to work if someone else is there to listen.
3) When I'm having a bad day, please just recognize that that's all it is. I'm not attacking you intentionally. I don't want to hurt you, and I'm trying not too. Just understand I have a lot of anger built up in me right now. I don't know why, or at what, but it's there.
4) Becoming the person that the person you want to marry wants to marry (did you follow that?) is not all it's cracked up to be if the person you want to marry very well may only exist in dreams.
5) Nothing pisses me off more when I'm in a bad mood than someone telling me I am/recently have been ornery. Even if I say it, it does NOT give you permission to say it back. Shallow, I know, but that's the way it is.
6) I am an actor. All the world is my stage, and all people merely players therein, (though I've seen more than a few marionette puppets out there too). I may very well act like a bad mood has passed when it most certainly has not. This is my gift, my right, and my prerogative. It does NOT make me false faced or decietful, only attempting to be considerate.
7) I don't mind listening to your problems. But if I have a problem I'm trying to talk about and you start telling me all about yours, that tells me we have a very one sided friendship.
8) It is not, I repeat, NOT my responsibility as a nice guy to take out your friends because they've never had a good date/they have self-esteem issues. This happens to me often. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm sorry. I haven't the time nor money to date people I wouldn't consider dating again. Your asking me to do this is taking advantage of me, and it makes me feel like you really don't care much about me at all. It makes me feel like a tool in your arsenal to help your REAL friends. How akward is the position I'm put in when you tell me all about this great friend of yours who doesn't date much, and that I simply MUST take them out? Please, I want to be your friend, but I don't want to be your spare-tire date for your friends.
9) I am a protector. The only way I know is to protect others. But I'm learning that protecting others is really only weakening them. It makes them too reliant on me or someone else for survival.
10) I'm afraid anyone that I could love who could ever love me the way I am is already taken. I can't afford to take the road that others I know have taken, to call protection and a desire to help love. Moreover, I'm afraid to love. If I love you, you can hurt me.
11) I'm afraid I'm a disappointment to the Most High. My creator gave me such potential. He wants me to be a teacher of his words, and yet I feel unworthy. I screw up so stupidly. I don't understand it. I know what the right thing is, and yet I choose the other path, looking for a moments solace.
12) I can't let go. I've tried so hard to forgive, to forget. It just hurts so much. Just because you pull the bullet from the wound doesn't make the pain go away. Have I truly forgiven if I think of how I was betrayed every time I see them? If I find myself being careful of what I say to them, because I can't trust like I used to? I handed them my own kryptonite, and in a fiery moment, it was thrust in my face, for all the world to see. Sometimes I wish my Father would punish me for my own wickedness in this. Then maybe I could feel forgiven for my difficulty in forgiveness. How can I ask him to forgive me, if I can't forgive others?
13) Somebody out there love me, please. I know I'm just a big, dumb, clumsy, air-headed galoot, but please, find something. anything. anything human in me. Show me I'm not a neanderthal, like they tell me I am. I want to believe it, but all I have anymore is my own clumsy, tactless, depressed, hollow shell of the man I thought I would be.
2) I do not now, nor have I ever liked to be preached too. I consider cliches and sayings usually as coming from the mouths of those who take comfort in the fact that others have shared the predicament. I don't. If you really want to help me, just tell me you understand. I don't complain because I want to be fixed. Usually I complain to get it out of my system, and it only seems to work if someone else is there to listen.
3) When I'm having a bad day, please just recognize that that's all it is. I'm not attacking you intentionally. I don't want to hurt you, and I'm trying not too. Just understand I have a lot of anger built up in me right now. I don't know why, or at what, but it's there.
4) Becoming the person that the person you want to marry wants to marry (did you follow that?) is not all it's cracked up to be if the person you want to marry very well may only exist in dreams.
5) Nothing pisses me off more when I'm in a bad mood than someone telling me I am/recently have been ornery. Even if I say it, it does NOT give you permission to say it back. Shallow, I know, but that's the way it is.
6) I am an actor. All the world is my stage, and all people merely players therein, (though I've seen more than a few marionette puppets out there too). I may very well act like a bad mood has passed when it most certainly has not. This is my gift, my right, and my prerogative. It does NOT make me false faced or decietful, only attempting to be considerate.
7) I don't mind listening to your problems. But if I have a problem I'm trying to talk about and you start telling me all about yours, that tells me we have a very one sided friendship.
8) It is not, I repeat, NOT my responsibility as a nice guy to take out your friends because they've never had a good date/they have self-esteem issues. This happens to me often. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm sorry. I haven't the time nor money to date people I wouldn't consider dating again. Your asking me to do this is taking advantage of me, and it makes me feel like you really don't care much about me at all. It makes me feel like a tool in your arsenal to help your REAL friends. How akward is the position I'm put in when you tell me all about this great friend of yours who doesn't date much, and that I simply MUST take them out? Please, I want to be your friend, but I don't want to be your spare-tire date for your friends.
9) I am a protector. The only way I know is to protect others. But I'm learning that protecting others is really only weakening them. It makes them too reliant on me or someone else for survival.
10) I'm afraid anyone that I could love who could ever love me the way I am is already taken. I can't afford to take the road that others I know have taken, to call protection and a desire to help love. Moreover, I'm afraid to love. If I love you, you can hurt me.
11) I'm afraid I'm a disappointment to the Most High. My creator gave me such potential. He wants me to be a teacher of his words, and yet I feel unworthy. I screw up so stupidly. I don't understand it. I know what the right thing is, and yet I choose the other path, looking for a moments solace.
12) I can't let go. I've tried so hard to forgive, to forget. It just hurts so much. Just because you pull the bullet from the wound doesn't make the pain go away. Have I truly forgiven if I think of how I was betrayed every time I see them? If I find myself being careful of what I say to them, because I can't trust like I used to? I handed them my own kryptonite, and in a fiery moment, it was thrust in my face, for all the world to see. Sometimes I wish my Father would punish me for my own wickedness in this. Then maybe I could feel forgiven for my difficulty in forgiveness. How can I ask him to forgive me, if I can't forgive others?
13) Somebody out there love me, please. I know I'm just a big, dumb, clumsy, air-headed galoot, but please, find something. anything. anything human in me. Show me I'm not a neanderthal, like they tell me I am. I want to believe it, but all I have anymore is my own clumsy, tactless, depressed, hollow shell of the man I thought I would be.
posted by Matt at 1:26 AM
3 Comments:
I don't have advice and I surely do have the cure to make you feel better. I don't know exactly what you are going through, no one does but you. But I do know that I have a listening ear e-mail mail me or something I am willing to listen
Hope you don't mind me posting a couple of questions as we've never met. I stumbled on your blog somewhat by accident today.
How do you know what it is you're looking for if everyone who comes close to your projected ideal is already married? Most of my friends have married and they've changed a little...so how do you know? If they're different after they're married, how would you pick someone who would change into that, if there is a way to guess...?
That question being asked...how do you try to change yourself for such a person?
I know it's kind of weird, but I'd very much appreciate a response. I've been thinking about that for a few days, so seeing your post was just....odd.
Thank you!
Mebbe I should have left an email to send a response to incase you didn't wish to post your answer here:
it's deathantaxes (AT) yahoo
Thanks again.
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