The Fine Line Between Genius and Insanity

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2006-09-13T11:51:00.000-07:00

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Category PSP

MEME!

2006-04-27T13:05:00.000-07:00

Random Song Meme

put your media player on random and use the songs that pop up to answer the questions!

1 How the world sees me? Simple Man-Lynyrd Skynyrd
2 Will I have a happy life? Time-Jericho Road
3 What people really think of me? Angel of Music-Phantom of the Opera
4 Do people secretly lust after me? Welcome to the Jungle-Guns N Roses
5 How can I make myself happy? Dust in the Wind-Kansas
6 What should I do with my life? Shiver-Maroon 5
7 Will I ever have children? Hemhorrage-Fuel
8 Good Advice for me? Sasquatch-Tenacious D
9 Current theme song In my life? Fairy Tales and Castles-Lifehouse
10 Others think I am? Politically Correct-SR-71
11 To play at my funeral? I feel a cold one coming on-Montgomery Gentry
12 Type of guy/girl I like? Beer-Reel Big Fish
13 Kind of day I'll have? She's the Blade-Sugarcult
14 Why am I here? This Disaster-A new found glory
15 Will be remembered for? Friday, I'm in love-The Cure
16 Song stuck in head tomorrow?Not Myself-John Mayer
17 This years theme song?Time after time-Matchbox 20

Because I can

2006-04-13T02:46:00.000-07:00

Do you ever do anything without having any reason greater than the fact that you can do it? Do you ever stay up late reading a book, watching a movie, or blogging when you know you probably should go to bed? Do you ever defy your own better judgement by neglecting health and rest just so your mind can roam free?

I do. I've never been able to figure out why I do it, and I think if I did it would take some of the fun out of it. It's in these hours betwixt sunset and sunrise that my soul feels truly alive. I'm my most real, human self when all I hear is the moon roaming across the sky, and the distant whistle of a train on it's way somewhere else.

I've been doing a lot of the introspective thing lately in my life. I think that a major problem people have is they don't stop and think about where they are and where they want to wind up. They forget that they're in constant motion, that life itself is organic and constantly changing.

In my travels across the landscape of my mind, I finally stumbled across a word for what I'm passionate about. It hasn't been an easy thing to put words to, though when I say it now it was obviously there the whole time. It's not like music, where I can realize that "Oh, I feel good when I play music, I'm passionate about music!" or "Oh, I love writing, so I'm passionate about that!". No, sadly for me it was like trying to fit the words everyone else seems to find so easily in a blender and frappe them into a single entity.

Then, like a ray of sunshine that pierces through the fog of confusion, it came to me in the form of a verbal bucket of ice water from my brother. "You're passionate about learning. Not just learning one thing, like most people, but learning EVERYTHING!"

Like I said, it was so simple. It was there the whole time, but it seemed so complicated because there were so many pieces to it.

It's nice to have a word for what you love, though. Words are just words, I know, but to me they give meaning and definition to the pictures and ideas in my head. I think that's part of where my love of language comes from, the ability it gives to translate thoughts into a language more people than just me can understand.

Some stuff

2006-03-27T22:06:00.000-08:00

You know what I hate? Talking about politics.

You know what I hate even more? People who think because I don't talk about politics, I don't know anything about politics. It turns out I really do care about what happens in the government of my country. I love my country. I don't, however, love talking about matters that everyone wants to complain about and nobody wants to propose an alternative solution to.

What really bothers me most is that people are more than willing to complain about everything in the world, and nobody sits down to think about what can be done about it.

Honestly, the only reason I can think of for a thing like this to happen is because people don't believe that there's anything they can do about it, even though they have the desire to help. The notion has been crammed into everyone's brain that what they think doesn't matter. They don't bother to sit down and think of a way that they might be heard. Honestly, the only reason a thought doesn't matter is because nobody ever hears about it.

Can anyone be expected to understand genius unexpressed?

People are afraid of looking foolish or ignorant and say nothing, but it seems to me that if we never sound foolish, we'll never be able to sound intelligent. Some of the greatest minds in history have made some of the most ignorant statements. They just had the guts to say it.

People are smart.

At least, they are when they choose to use their minds. I think one of the hardest things in this world is to cut through all of the external programming, advertising, and propoganda and discover what you really think, even if you don't talk about it very often.

On Truth

2006-03-20T00:31:00.000-08:00

I've been seeing a lot of disturbing things lately. A lot of good people falling away from truth, simply because it's the path of least resistance. The path of truth is by far the easiest way. It's most often the hardest.

Why can there be only one true church? The answer is this. Because there is but one God, who is everlasting and ever constant. He changes not a whit from what he is, and his teachings have remained constant throughout all time, the only difference being the willingness of the people to recieve it. He has outlined what his will for his people is, and what his church must be like. Truth is eternal, though perhaps beyond the scope of any man to understand in it's entirety while in a worldly state. But if a man would know truth he must go to the place where he can find the most of it, grasp it, and never let it go.

If I knew of any other path that could teach me as much as I have learned and plan on yet learning through the teachings of Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I swear I would pursue it. But all of my investigations into the other ways of other people have led me to believe that their foundations are based on pieces and parts of truth, which have been stretched and pulled and prodded until they fit into a semblance of rightness. I do not condemn the efforts of mankind to be righteous, but I do condemn the laxadaisical belief that because a church's teachings are easier to live, then it must be the right way.

I have given friends, family, mental health, love, heartbreak, and precious years of my life to this work. I would gladly do it all again for half of what I have become because of it. I am stronger because of my struggles.

A good friend once told me, "Whatever you want out of this life, you can get it, but it's your responsibility to find a way to do so, for nobody else will hand it to you until you make the effort first."

I've heard the adage of the man who said "Give me the fire first, and then I will give it wood to burn." That's not the way it works. This is the test of a truth, to try it in our own lives, and see what fruit it yields. If it makes us better, and we all have an inner gauge to tell us whether we have grown or diminished in character, then we will know that surely, this is a teaching of truth. If we are less, we know it's a falsehood. If there is no reading from it, then we haven't tested it long enough. It's really that simple. If you're not certain about something, try it out in your own life for a while.

If anyone tells you that religious belief should be based on anything other than faith and trial, they're overcomplicating things, and doing it a harder way. The world is not as complex as we have been led to believe it is. That which is good is good, and that which is evil is evil. Truth is eternal and universal.

Sorry for the rant tonight. I've needed to get this off my chest fonight. Sometimes I know how Alma felt when he wished he were an angel, who could speak and be heard. People hear the words of men and shrug them off as just that. If you're having struggles with things spiritual, there's a 24 hour hotline to heaven waiting for you just past your knees.

Ask and ye shall recieve, knock and it shall be opened unto you.

An important day looms on the horizon.

2006-03-02T20:55:00.000-08:00

Attention world. This coming Thursday is a very important day. A VERY important day. The kind of day that should never be forgotten. By anyone. EVER.

It's the day the unstoppable force met the immovable object. It's the day The Once and Future King was reborn, and entered the earth to reclaim his throne. It's the day the stars danced and aligned themselves in the sky for. It's the day the Thunder God forged a lightning bolt into flesh.

March 9th, 2006 is the dawn of my 22nd year.

The world will never be the same.

P.S. Yes, it's egomaniacal, but dang if it wasn't fun to write.

Don't you hate it when people don't update their blogs?

2006-02-27T21:13:00.000-08:00

So everything is akimbo right now.

I say akimbo because akimbo is a word that's highly underutilized in the english language. I respect my readers percipiance, so if you don't get it, go masticate your own aliment.

Hey, that was fun!

On to me, then. I think I've been trying to compensate for being alone by taking jobs that pay insane amounts of money but isolate me from social situations. Sadly the side-effect here is I remain alone.

There is a girl I keep thinking about, though she's a thousand miles away. I keep wondering if I'll ever see her again, or if she'll ever want to see me again. My once powerful self-confidence is again reduced to cinders at the prospect of a girl that closely resembles a fantastic dream, though I'm finding more and more of my old confidence all the time.

I keep meeting them, these amazing creatures, and I let them go, because I over analyze every situation I get into. I think of all the things I'd like to say to them, then watch for a moment, never trying to create one. Then a friend moves in, guts and heart in hand, and does what I hadn't mustered the courage to do.

I'm trying to live in my gut more, to trust those feelings I get without thinking about them so much. Feelings for events and feelings for people, it seems the two are first cousins, if not one and the same.

I've been trying to stop worrying about money so much. Once I did so, things started falling into place for me financially. I've now had a job offer, which I took, and a request for an interview. This is good for the self-esteem as a resume writer. Now if I can just convince myself that I can still do the things I've done before, I'll be set. You don't really think of confidence as being tied to memory, but there it is. I find myself questioning whether I can really do something, when the fact is, I've done similar things in the past. The questions come when I realize I'm not on the cutting edge anymore. The answer comes that the cutting edge is just a study session or two away.

I'm mending, healing somehow. It's inexplicable. I'm just finally starting to be myself again. It feels pretty good.

Joining a million other bloggers on a rant this day

2006-02-14T03:50:00.000-08:00

Sweat.

That's all I really want. To sweat and bleed into something. To give heart, soul, body, and mind over to a cause outside of myself. To create. To build something that people will see.

For some reason, that always excludes love. Sure, I ask girls out on occasion. That's what I have to do to convince my parents I'm not gay. Usually, I'm okay with that, with focusing on growing, learning, and bettering myself. But not today. Today's not the day for accomplishments, hopes, or dreams. Today is about the simple love between a woman and a man.

My best friend has found someone. How did this happen? Was it when I wasn't looking? I guess I HAVE rather been absent in the lives of my roommates and friends in Orem. But somehow he's living the life I paid for better than I could. He's willing to do the things I swore I'd never do again. The saddest/most irritating thing about some mistakes is how happy you were when you made them. You remember having everything you ever wanted, and giving it away for stupid reasons you can't seem to remember, but you seem to still cling too.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friend. He deserves a great girl, and I know this one is pretty amazing. It just wears on me how he seems to be able to do this. I think he knows my roommates and neighbors better than I do. He lets people in close so they get to know him well, and he gets to know them. Why can't I do that anymore?

What has the world done to me to turn me away from trusting anyone? Has the actions of one man killed my faith in humanity's possibilities? Has a tyrant killed my spirit? Will I ever love again?

Lighter Post-Songs that remind me of people

2006-02-09T01:25:00.000-08:00

So for some reason I kept hearing songs that reminded me of people today. So here they are. If you think of a song that reminds you of me, post it. I'm curious.

Josh--Life is a Highway--Def Leppard
Kourtnee--Lost in the Wilderness--Children of Eden (musical)
Starr-The Hardest Part of Love--Children of Eden (musical)
Jake-Drift Away--Uncle Kracker
Thooozy--99 Red Balloons-Reel Big Fish
Meredith--Where are you Goin'?--Dave Matthews Band
Milla-Free Fallin'--Tom Petty

Crying Wolf

2006-02-09T00:38:00.000-08:00

I want to start off with a little story. Once upon a time there was a boy who was called upon to watch the village sheep. He was instructed to shout as loud as he could if he saw a wolf, and help would come as fast as possible from the villagers on the nearby road.

One day, he stood on a hilltop, watching the sheep graze with nothing to do. He thought he'd test his ability to call for help on an old woman carrying water back to the village from a nearby well.

"Wolf, Wolf!" he cried.

The woman quickly dropped her water pails and ran up the hillside. As she reached the top, she found the shepherd boy rolling on the ground laughing.

She shook a finger at him soundly, "You mark my words, you'll regret this one day boy." and she walked away in a huff to refill her spilled buckets.

The next day the boy was very lonely. He was having a rough time at home with his family and wanted someone to talk to about it. He saw a big man pulling a heavy cart of firewood to sell in the village.

"Wolf, wolf!" the boy cried.

The man quickly grabbed a large branch as a club and ran up the hillside. As he reached the top, the boy sat there, looking sad.

"Well, boy, where is the wolf?"

"Oh, there is no wolf. I just wanted someone to talk to."

"Just you wait, boy, you'll be sorry for this." The man's face grew red, and he stormed away in a huff, going back to his cart.

The days passed langorously for the shepherd boy. His only entertainment was crying "Wolf, wolf!" whenever he saw a passerby.

Then one day the boy sat, bored and hot on the shilltop. Suddenly, the biggest wolf he had ever seen came ambling up the hillside. He saw the woman with the water buckets walking by again and cried in desperation, "Wolf, WOLF!"

The woman looked up at him and turned her nose up in disgust when she saw who it was.

The boy turned around and saw the wolf killing the sheep, one by one. He desperately glanced about again, and saw the big man with the cart, surely HE would help!

"Wolf, wolf, WOLF!" he shouted.

The man rolled his eyes in disgust and started away.

It was all over. Every one of the sheep were dead. The boy solemnly walked to the mayors office to report the bad news.

"I was afraid this would happen here too."

The boy was confused. "Here too, sir?"

The mayor glanced up. "Why yes, son. Wolves have eaten every herd for three towns around us. There was always help nearby, but nobody would stop, because on one hilltop, everyone had trusted too many times."

The boy didn't realize it wasn't only his herd he was putting at risk, but the herd of any shepherd who might suffer a wolf nearby.

Sorry for the long story, but I needed it to illustrate my point. I hear a word growing more and more trendy by the day. It is a dangerous word, a stupid and pointless word, but it seems to be spreading like a cancer. The word is suicide. I think in the past few weeks I've heard people talking about killing themselves as often as not.

When you do this, you are putting the lives of others at risk, and I'm not exaggerating. When you treat suicide like an everyday, common thing, it becomes laughable. You won't laugh when it's someone close to you lying in that coffin.

Recently I've had one conversation I consider an acceptable one on suicide. I must have had 20-30 discussions on the topic recently, and one was appropriate, because it was discussing the challenges of getting out of that frame of mind, and handled in a very serious tone. This is unacceptable.

No boy or girl is worth it, no lost scholarship/grade should cost it, and no goal you can't achieve will pay for it. You get one life to live. Death is a word too far removed from us. It isn't real like it was to our grandparents. We don't really believe that suicide will kill us because of how many survival stories we hear. I hate to tell you this, but the only one's who can tell you the non-survivor stories are the friends and loved ones left behind, and usually they don't talk about it. But I know for a fact it isn't trendy to them.

I'm afraid for my fellows. What happens when comes the day you actually DO consider it? What happens when I blow you off because you've joked about it so many times before. Or worse yet, what happens when I blow someone ELSE off that I might've helped because of how you treated it?

This isn't funny. It's not good. It isn't a cry for help. It's not a buzzword to get attention and support.

If you are considering suicide, please get help. It isn't the answer. I'm sorry if people laugh at you when you try to talk about it. That's what attention getters aren't realizing. They don't realize they could be costing you your life.

So stop it. Stop joking, stop using it to get my attention.

It's calling 911 without an emergency.

It's a cry of Wolf without a predator.

Am bored. Shall now inflict quizzes on you

2006-01-31T00:32:00.000-08:00

Your aura shines Orange!

What Color Is Your Aura?
brought to you by Quizilla

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Magician.

Where You Lived: Chile.

How You Died: In Battle.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

A blog that very well may not make any sense

2006-01-26T01:04:00.000-08:00

I'm blogging today for a very specific reason. Very specific. So specific that the minutest words in the english language fail to fully express the specificity.

Mostly I just feel like writing something, crap though it may turn out. Let's see, um...

hm....
hmmm....
hmmmmmm....

Okay, introspective, that's what I usually do here, right?

I've been noticing a disturbing trend in the distance I keep people. I think exactly two people have ever made it past arms length with me. It's partially a defense mechanism.

I think my biggest reasoning behind it is that I usually feel like people want to let YOU in, but don't care about being let in. Most people seem to care about being listened to, but scarce is the ear that listens as much as it's accompanying mouth speaks. (What's really funny is when you find someone who asks what's wrong and assures you they want to listen, then they go off on a tangent about themselves).

Why do people have so much fun talking about themselves? I HATE talking about myself to other people (now online is a different story). They don't understand 9 times out of 10 what I'm trying to say, so I come off as weird. I hate that.

I guess I want to find someone interested enough in me and my well being to see what goes on here between my ears. To reach out and understand. I guess it's my own fault. I don't exactly go searching for kindred souls to join to. It used to be so easy. In High School they came to me. They found me when they wanted someone who could understand crazy thoughts, dreams, fantasies, and whimsies. I've never been good with advice, but I like to hear people talk. I don't know how to establish a basic relation with most people though.

How do you learn to open up? How do you learn to make close friends? Better yet, where do you go to find the stock of people you'd like to be friends with? Any comments would be appreciated.

2006-01-22T00:10:00.000-08:00

So I'm here again, sitting on my bed in the early morning hours typing away at my keyboard, living. I love my life.

I've come to realize that life is found in those few hours in the day you squeeze in between work, school, girls, boys, or what have you. Living is those moments in the bookstore, when there's a million other things you should be doing, but you just stay there and browse because you want to.

It's those extra minutes you sit in the cafe, talking with your friends even though you've got someplace else to be.

Life is not found in books, degrees, promotions, or raises. It's in those spare moments, on your best days and on your worst, when you can simply sit back and feel. Have a cold drink after a hard day, eat a good meal on your day off.

It's good to be alive. It's good to understand death as a trasition, and to really start to believe in the immortality of the soul. When you know what's going to happen, at least to some degree, it adds some comfort.

It's good to be alive. To drink orange juice, and go for a walk, and work, and sleep, and write. I don't always appreciate it like I should. I know this now. But it feels good in these quiet morning hours just to live.

2006-01-17T01:59:00.000-08:00

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Matthew E. Barrington
Birthday: March 9, 1984
Birthplace: American Fork, UT
Current Location: American Fork, UT
Eye Color: Green
Hair Color: Brown
Height: 6'3"
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right
Your Heritage: Mostly english with a measure of Irish and Scandinavian thrown in for good measure
The Shoes You Wore Today: My red Nike's
Your Weakness: Self-doubt
Your Fears: That I'll wind up married to a woman I hate and get stuck in a job I despise.
Your Perfect Pizza: Pepperoni, Mushrooms, and Extra cheese
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Gain confidence in myself
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: lol
Thoughts First Waking Up: Whoever decided that the day should start in the morning was a complete and total masochist.
Your Best Physical Feature: My strength, it's nice to be able to lift heavy objects
Your Bedtime: Usually after 2, though I'm working my way into midnight if I can.
Your Most Missed Memory: Lunchtime in the commons area with all my friends.
Pepsi or Coke: Cherry Coke
MacDonalds or Burger King: Depends on the mood/buckage/location
Single or Group Dates: Yes
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Don't touch the stuff
Chocolate or Vanilla: Double Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee: I don't really know the difference.
Do you Smoke: nope
Do you Swear: *&%% yeah!
Do you Sing: not as often as I'd like
Do you Shower Daily: generally
Have you Been in Love: yes
Do you want to go to College: yes
Do you want to get Married: very much
Do you belive in yourself: Not enough, but I'm working on it
Do you get Motion Sickness: no
Do you think you are Attractive: Depends on the day
Are you a Health Freak: Not nearly enough. I celebrate life with food!
Do you get along with your Parents: there's a little underlying tension, but yes for the most part.
Do you like Thunderstorms: Very much
Do you play an Instrument: guitar
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: no
In the past month have you Smoked: nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs: nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date: no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: No, but, I should really fix that.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Yes, OH yes!
In the past month have you been on Stage: Much to my deep chagrin, no.
In the past month have you been Dumped: no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: yes, I am a pen stealing bandit.
Ever been Drunk: NopeEver been called a Tease: yes
Ever been Beaten up: no
Ever Shoplifted: yes
How do you want to Die: In a way that will make people laugh. Like getting run over by a clown car with all the clowns standing around me :)
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: An inventor!
What country would you most like to Visit: Toss up between Ireland and China
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Brown
Favourite Hair Color: Dark Brown
Short or Long Hair: Long, so I can play with it.
Height: Doesn't much matter, though I find short girls super cute and tall girls are easier to dance with.
Weight: I like them a little bit lighter,
Best Clothing Style: stuff that fits?
Number of Drugs I have taken: Effexor, albuterol, demoral,
Number of CDs I own: around 20
Number of Piercings: Well, I did stick myself with a needle today.
Number of Tattoos: I have a nice little mark where I got electrocuted today.
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Just 2

You know, these surveys are a lot like taking a look in the mirror. They sort of remind you of who you are. Sometimes defending who you are and where you come from is that way too. Makes for a nice reminder. That is all.

Mystery car sounds

2006-01-12T01:22:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been driving, and heard/seen/smelt/felt something that let you know something was wrong with your car? The car still runs, though not as well, and you know you need to fix it, but you don't know how?

That's rather been my mood lately, but with my life as opposed to my car. Something isn't right. I don't know what it is, nor do I know how to fix it, but there is something wrong, elusive though it may be.

But where do you go to find a mechanic for a life? He's not listed in the yellow pages (I know, I checked), he doesn't have a catchy jingle, and I haven't seen a sign lately that says "Life Mechanic, we finance all life changes with nothing down!".

Maybe my analogy holds true, in that we don't always need a professional to fix that sound. Sometimes it's just combining our heads with someone who knows the make and model well.

The problem here is that we are each much more unique than any car ever built. We have more complicated parts than the finest German engineering, and programming the greatest SysAdmin wouldn't touch.

It seems we are left to tinker around under our own hoods, to twist here, pull there, tweak here, and tune there until we're running smoothly again.

So the fact is, we only have one choice. It's not easy, and it involves getting grease up to our elbows. We must each become an engineer, one with a doctoral degree in our own lives. We must know on a higher level not only the stuff we are made of, but of what that stuff can be when everything is in it's proper, working order.

You know, when you think about it, our lives, like a car, can take us anywhere we want to direct them, but only when in it's proper, working, and running order.

Meme, and announcement

2006-01-07T01:10:00.000-08:00

So two things. One, I opened a myspace account, so I'll probably start updating that blog as well. I may wind up phasing this one out entirely, but not immediately. My Myspace addy is http://blog.myspace.com/latterdaywarrior

Meme
1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
phetic calling, (4) a curse against anyone who might “take away” the book, probably “due to fear lest a…”
--Lehi and the Desert, Hugh Nibley

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.
I find my bedpost.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
The trailer for The Fantastic 4 dvd at work

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
1:30

5. Now look at the clock, What is the acutal time?
1:57

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The heater in the hallway

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
I was walking into my house after work.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Myspace.com

9. What are you wearing?
A t-shirt and sleeping pants

10. Did you dream last night?
Yes, about what? No clue.

11. When did you last laugh?
If sardonically counts, at work tonight when I found out why a guy I work with has a problem w/ me.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Flowery wallpaper, dried roses (I am SO redecorating this room)

13. Seen anything weird lately?
Yup.

14. What do you think of this quiz?
A healthy dose of insanity in a far too sane world

15. What is the last film you saw?
King Kong

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
I’d reinvest part of it in passive assets that multiply over the course of several years. Then I’d buy a bookstore, a castle in Ireland/Scotland, and a private jet/helicopter.

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know:
In High School I had a pocket sized pet dragon. I wonder when I last fed him, anyway….

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Apathy. I think it’s the cause of the biggest set of the worlds problems.

19. Do you like to dance?
Like, yes. Feel comfortable with, no. (hey, one misstep from my sz. 14’s and my partner won’t be dancing for a while)

20. George Bush:
Ummm….Texas, right? The answer’s Texas.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Elaina

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Yes, I think I would, were the right person/’s with me.

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
A bit cliché, maybe, but “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

25. 4 people who must also do this meme in THEIR journal:
Chelsey (do you even read this blog?), Milla (once again if you see this) Josh, Mer, and Thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooozy.

2006-01-01T22:18:00.000-08:00

Your 2005 Song Is

Beverly Hills by Weezer

"My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me"

You breezed through 2005 in your own funky style!

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

And when I say my friends are just as screwy as me, I mean every word of it exactly as it sounds. I mean, they hang around me, so that constitutes some weird, right?

Hey, what can I say? It fits the year pretty well. I don't think I've ever had a wasted year, but this was as close to one as I've had. It got a lot better towards the end, though.

I think I need to adopt the Ferris Buehler theory. "Life moves fast, and if you don't stop once in a while to take a look around, you might miss it."

That's my resolution, what's yours?

Who Dares, Wins

2005-12-30T00:52:00.000-08:00

"You need to have more confidence in yourself."

That phrase keeps coming back to haunt me, everywhere I go. My mom, my friends, everyone seems to be saying it.

Confidence.

Something someone has, and someone else doesn't, and the only difference between the two seems to be that one has it and one doesn't, and that seems to separate them into their respective fates.

To believe in yourself, that must be something. To have great ideas, to know they're worthwhile, then seeing yourself as worthwhile enough to implement them. That must be an experience worth anything. All I know is this, the most frustrating thing is to have great ideas and not be able to find anyone who's worthy of them, who will believe in them like you do, and implement them.

It's not that I'm afraid of the work. No, that isn't it at all. It's that I see other works I've done, fallen into the dust of history, so not even a passerby will notice them by the wayside.

Where does one come by confidence, that feeling that one can do something and do it well. I used to be bubbling over with it. I used to walk into a room and captain it, steer it wherever I willed, and it went. That was the rudder confidence used to give me.

It was my true strength, you see. I'm a person of large stature, and I've always felt proud of it, but my real strength was confidence. The ability to believe in myself when nobody else did.

It got me leads in plays my first year in High School and College. I was good at performing, and I didn't care if anyone else was too, because I knew that if I wasn't good enough, then I would get better and shortly would be.

Now I have to sell any ideas I have to someone else before I can ever believe in it.

To live in the past is to lose the present, they say, but I say sometimes the answers lie in the past. In what we were.

I was a Theater student, then. Son of the stage, walker on the boards. I could be anyone I wanted to be. It was all one big game of pretend. One day I started pretending in real life, too. I kept pretending until suddenly I hit on who I had always wanted to be.

I don't think most people ever experience what it's like to be who you've always wanted to be. I highly recommend it, if you ever find yourself in a place to try. But at the same time I must issue it with a warning. Once you become someone you admire, that you've always wanted to be, once you lose that person, it's as keen a loss as you've ever felt. It's like standing above your own grave.

Disturbing image, isn't it?

Show me the way back to confidence, o universe in which I dwell, and I will lead as I did once, and follow as I did once.

Giddy about a book

2005-12-28T23:12:00.000-08:00

It's so fun for me to go to my public library. The one in Orem, UT is stacked floor to ceiling on three levels with books on every subject imaginable. One moment I'm looking into worlds of wonder, then learning about how they might be someday. My library is an adventure for me.

Before I start sounding like a bad public service announcement, (or maybe after) I'll shift gears a bit.

Learning. Knowledge. I've begun formulating a theory that true genius is the ability to apply knowledge from another, seemingly unrelated subject to the problem at hand. Making cars in a line. Running electricity through a filament. these are both examples of knowledge applied from outside sources.

To the true genius, learning to change a tire and rocket science are one and the same. If you think about it, everything can be broken down to it's smallest pieces. From there, it really isn't that hard. Building a rocket is really just a bunch of metal and fuel and stuff.

What do you think?

Thank you captain Dramatic!

2005-12-20T07:15:00.000-08:00

I'm overly dramatic here, sometimes, I guess. It bothers me, or it did two seconds ago. Now, I just don't care what anyone else thinks. My blog is a place I can unload, create, and generally have a cathartic experience.

Lately, I've been wondering about my faces again. It seems so easy to be who I want to be here, online, using the words that shoot through my mind. I'm always afraid if I speak as I was taught, someone will look at me with a blankness in their eyes and say "Whadjoo say?"

I'm not trying to be arrogant here. Please don't misunderstand me. I have a lot of very intelligent friends who would completely grasp what I'm saying. I guess it really comes down to the fact that I'm a little afraid of standing out too much.

So I come here, to the vast wonders of the internet. I talk with friends the way I wish I could in real life. I'm so different here. Maybe a part of it is my surroundings.

I'm real here. I'm happy when I'm happy, sad when I'm sad, and angry when I'm angry.

I wonder if my friends that I talk to online even recognize the same person in real life. Crude, base, and simple. Thorough's self-imposed isolation begins to make some sense, as perhaps for some of us the only honest life is the one lived between the sheets...of paper, that is. ;)

If anyone knows how to bring a written life to the world of the third dimension, please feel free to share. I think the most disappointing thing is when you like yourself better when you log onto the net.

Crudity, simplicity, and commonality are just shields, I think. Shields for what we protect above all things, and that's ourselves.

Rage

2005-12-16T00:56:00.000-08:00

There's a pressure behind my eyes. Electricity crackles loudly in the back of my brain. Power is screaming to get out.

But I'm just so tired.

So tired of not sleeping, so tired of being abandoned, so tired of fighting alone, watching beloved comrades fall or flee. It's me on the battlefront once again.

Maybe it's better this way. Maybe I'm stronger here, when it's me against the world.

If I must stand alone, at least I can still stand. If I must die, let it be on my feet, and let my enemy crush me to bits, for I won't stop fighting.

Fear, let him come with a knife for my back, but I'll see him face to face. Anxiety, he'll be there too, with razor's edge in hand. Self-doubt my all too constant companion, he knows my weaknesses well. Anger, I've kept him in check a long time, my ally and enemy in one. Unfocused thoughts, you've plagued me before, and I've beaten you every time. I've beaten all of you, time and time again.

If the robed harbinger must take me, like Cyrano and Wallace, he will take me in battle.

Do you even remember? Did the title of liberty ever touch you the way it does me? Do the words ring in your heart like knells in the tower, shaking your very soul?

It's perhaps a bad thing. To gain strength as I watch another walk away and say "I quit". It makes you look at yourself again. It reminds you of your heroes. Take your barren wastes of the world. Take your dead end pleasures, your broken hearted joys, and your lonesome endings.

Give me the shining streets of Heaven. Give me the way of the Almighty.

My pirate type

2005-11-30T13:47:00.000-08:00

What kind of pirate am I? You decide!
You can also view a breakdown of results or put one of these on your own page!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Just for Meredith

2005-11-24T05:41:00.000-08:00

I've been reading an excellent book lately by Earl Nightingale. If you've never heard or read anything by this man, you're depriving yourself of a real treat. As you read what he has to say, you think to yourself, "that could be me, I know it could, but how?" You find yourself asking questions you didn't think were necessary, but that you find out are.

One comment he makes is that old friends are like old clothes. There comes a time when they, too, become ragged and worn and their measurements no longer fit you. This is the time to say goodbye to them. Not, perhaps, aloud, but in your mind is sufficient.

I've been catching myself asking my friend if he remembers certain people from High School. He looks at me like I'm crazy, and moves on to something else. I think he understood the lesson Mr. Nightingale was getting at.

Now, before I get any questions, if you're reading this blog, you aren't one of the friendships I'm thinking of. I love and value you all so much. It's just interesting for me to think of all the old relationships I used to have, and how much I've been trying to hold on to those. I suppose I'm one of those people who unconsciously kicks and claws my way into change, though consciously I know it's inevitable.

Well, now for my list of things I'm thankful for.

1. To know my Father in Heaven
2. To have been born into the Gospel of Jesus Christ, because I don't think I'm faithful enough to have come to it on my own.
3. Good friends who love and support me.
4. Dreams as big as the starry night sky
5. My present and future education
6. To live in an age where information flows at the speed of light
7. Love, in all it's many facets
8. Family
9. The solace that only comes with dreaming
10. A car with a full tank of gas (ask me about this sometime if you're interested)
11. Gutenberg and the printing press.
12. The science of physics and her heroes, Sir Issac Newton, Daniel Bernoulli, and all the others.
13. The founding fathers, and their bravery to commit high treason
14. My talents and abilities
15. Good books
16. Free internet
17. My laptop
18. My Freedom
19. The Book of Mormon
20. The Bible

Just a few of my favorite blessings. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, I hope you're all as blessed as I am, and deserve them more than I do.

Another escape

2005-11-12T00:08:00.000-08:00

So I've been going back to a corner in my mind. I can only go there at the end of a long day. I sit on the couch in my living room and sip hot spearmint tea. It must be spearmint, I believe this is the result of magical properties of said leaves. Will experiment later, and report.

In this corner there's a log cabin set back in a wood. In a small stone fireplace, there crackles a warm fire. There's a blanket on my lap, and I sit in a large overstuffed chair. I can hear a few of the sounds of the forest outside my window. Off to my right sits a wooden desk. A quill pen and a small inkpot sit beside a sheet of paper, all resting having done their tasks for the day. It's quiet, but a comfortable kind of quiet. Not an unsettling silence, but a peacable solace, with just enough patter to let the mind wander up and down over the hills and dales of the mind.

The tea warms my insides as I snuggle my blanket closer, warm and comfortable before my fire. It feels almost cleansing, somehow, the heat of the tea against the cold outside.

A few things

2005-11-08T01:26:00.000-08:00

1) I'm a nice person. I try my best to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. This does not mean I am not entitled to the occasional bad day. They do happen, a lot more recently than they used to, it's true, but that's neither here nor there.

2) I do not now, nor have I ever liked to be preached too. I consider cliches and sayings usually as coming from the mouths of those who take comfort in the fact that others have shared the predicament. I don't. If you really want to help me, just tell me you understand. I don't complain because I want to be fixed. Usually I complain to get it out of my system, and it only seems to work if someone else is there to listen.

3) When I'm having a bad day, please just recognize that that's all it is. I'm not attacking you intentionally. I don't want to hurt you, and I'm trying not too. Just understand I have a lot of anger built up in me right now. I don't know why, or at what, but it's there.

4) Becoming the person that the person you want to marry wants to marry (did you follow that?) is not all it's cracked up to be if the person you want to marry very well may only exist in dreams.

5) Nothing pisses me off more when I'm in a bad mood than someone telling me I am/recently have been ornery. Even if I say it, it does NOT give you permission to say it back. Shallow, I know, but that's the way it is.

6) I am an actor. All the world is my stage, and all people merely players therein, (though I've seen more than a few marionette puppets out there too). I may very well act like a bad mood has passed when it most certainly has not. This is my gift, my right, and my prerogative. It does NOT make me false faced or decietful, only attempting to be considerate.

7) I don't mind listening to your problems. But if I have a problem I'm trying to talk about and you start telling me all about yours, that tells me we have a very one sided friendship.

8) It is not, I repeat, NOT my responsibility as a nice guy to take out your friends because they've never had a good date/they have self-esteem issues. This happens to me often. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm sorry. I haven't the time nor money to date people I wouldn't consider dating again. Your asking me to do this is taking advantage of me, and it makes me feel like you really don't care much about me at all. It makes me feel like a tool in your arsenal to help your REAL friends. How akward is the position I'm put in when you tell me all about this great friend of yours who doesn't date much, and that I simply MUST take them out? Please, I want to be your friend, but I don't want to be your spare-tire date for your friends.

9) I am a protector. The only way I know is to protect others. But I'm learning that protecting others is really only weakening them. It makes them too reliant on me or someone else for survival.

10) I'm afraid anyone that I could love who could ever love me the way I am is already taken. I can't afford to take the road that others I know have taken, to call protection and a desire to help love. Moreover, I'm afraid to love. If I love you, you can hurt me.

11) I'm afraid I'm a disappointment to the Most High. My creator gave me such potential. He wants me to be a teacher of his words, and yet I feel unworthy. I screw up so stupidly. I don't understand it. I know what the right thing is, and yet I choose the other path, looking for a moments solace.

12) I can't let go. I've tried so hard to forgive, to forget. It just hurts so much. Just because you pull the bullet from the wound doesn't make the pain go away. Have I truly forgiven if I think of how I was betrayed every time I see them? If I find myself being careful of what I say to them, because I can't trust like I used to? I handed them my own kryptonite, and in a fiery moment, it was thrust in my face, for all the world to see. Sometimes I wish my Father would punish me for my own wickedness in this. Then maybe I could feel forgiven for my difficulty in forgiveness. How can I ask him to forgive me, if I can't forgive others?

13) Somebody out there love me, please. I know I'm just a big, dumb, clumsy, air-headed galoot, but please, find something. anything. anything human in me. Show me I'm not a neanderthal, like they tell me I am. I want to believe it, but all I have anymore is my own clumsy, tactless, depressed, hollow shell of the man I thought I would be.

Too many questions

2005-11-06T01:45:00.000-08:00

Once again, I'm going to abuse my blogging rights to explore my own inner gripes. Today I'll choose my most common griping subject. Women!

For all of you psych students out there, majors or just personally intersted, please, your thoughts are appreciated.

Why is it that I cannot be attracted to a nice, unnatached girl? If I start to like a girl, one of the following items invariably happens.

1) The girl will/already will have/is thinking about hooking up with a friend/roommate/aquaintance of mine. I don't move until I get to know people first, and I'm aware I move too slowly, so that's probably the cause of this.

2) The girl will have a friend who likes me (that I don't like that way in return, I might add) and will therefore be loyal to her friend

3) Will be someone that is cared for by a friend of mine

4) She turns out to have self-esteem issues/narcissistic tendencies

and my personal favorite (because it seems to be the most common) 5) She already has a boyfriend or is seeing someone steadily.

I just want it all, is that so much to ask? Nice smile, wants a big family, educated, smart, fun to be around, a good conversationalist, shares some of my interests, likes to read, etc., this is all I'm asking.

I just want to know what it is I'm missing. Why am I always attracted to girls otherwise occupied. Maybe it's just that I want what I can't have, but I just don't think that's it.

guh

2005-10-31T22:23:00.000-08:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.1
Mind:	7.2
Body:	6.9
Spirit:	8.8
Friends/Family:	6.2
Love:	1.4
Finance:	5.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

So I went looking for a cure to insomnia, and I think I found one, at least for me. It was getting to the point of being problematic, so my shrink said to try staying awake for 3 days, then getting on a schedule. Wow, it's really worked! I got a full 8 hrs, then amazingly woke up early! It was incredible!

Here...

2005-10-24T03:25:00.000-07:00

10 firsts:
first boyfriend/girlfriend:Camie, though I never did figure out what she saw in me.
first best friend: Jake
first screen name: crystalcity
first kiss: Megan. It was a mistake, though a magical one
first piercings: none
first crush: Kimberly from the Power Rangers
first music: Phantom of the Opera
first car: '97 Mercury Sable
first love:
first stuffed animal: Freddy the Teddy Bear

9 lasts:
last cigarette: Never had one.
last alcoholic beverage: again, never had one.
last car ride: Today, coming home from work
last kiss: Megan, still a mistake, though I think my favorite one.
last movie seen: Nightmare before Christmas
last phone call: My sister, Jana
last cd played: Tim McGraw, Set this circus down.
last bubble bath: Um, before the 6th grade (that's when I outgrew the bathtub, literally)
last time you cried: On my way home Saturday night

8 have you evers:
have you ever dated one of your best friends: Not at first, though she became so
have you ever skinny dipped: Nope.
have you ever been on tv: Not that I'm aware of
have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: Yes
have you ever had a sex dream about someone you knew: Yes
have you ever fallen in love: Yes
have you ever lost someone you loved: Yes
have you ever been depressed: All too often I'm afraid

7 places you've been to:
1. Oahu
2. Omaha
3. Council Bluffs
4. Salt Lake City.
5.
6. Disneyland.
7. Los Angeles.

6 things you've done today:
1. Fought with my roommate
2. Played the new Nightmare before Christmas game
3. Listened to Music
4. Worried about money
5. Thought about school
6. Read my buddies blogs

5 favorite things in NO order:
1. Books.
2. Movies.
3. Music.
4. Writing.
5. Weights.

4 people you can tell [almost] anything to:
1. Jake
2. Steve
3. Meredith
4. Josh

3 Obsessions:
1. My Guitar
2. My Notebook
3. Books

2 things you want to do before you die:
1. Carry a business to an IPO
2. Build a theater

1 thing you regret:
1. Too many of these to list, I'm afraid

The search...

2005-10-15T14:20:00.000-07:00

I watch, sometimes, when you don't think I'm looking. I watch you, what you do, say, what your face does when you say it.

I see what you wish you could say as well as what you say, along with all the myriad thoughts that churn through your head screaming to get out. Some people call it intuition. I call it business as usual.

Mostly what I see, though, when I look at anyone, is the search. When someone knows what they're looking for, it's usually something mundane. Love, money, power, truth, or what have you, but most commonly I see people looking for something to look for, something to dedicate their journeys too. What would it be like, I wonder, if everyone had a focus to the journey? A reason and a purpose? More often, I wonder what would it take to show people what their lives could be like. What if they could find something to dedicate themselves to? No one is happy working solely for their own benefit. Maybe that's why everyone seems so miserable.

Give me a cause to fight for, and I become strong. Give me others dedicated to the same cause, who are willing to listen to me, and I become powerful. I guess that's what leadership really is, to make your cause the cause of others.

How do you define a cause? Truth can't be taught unless it's clear in the mind of the teacher. Does a cause come with a name? Do you discover it after your course of action is defined?

I guess I've named what it is, then, that I'm searching for. I'm looking for a way, to help people. To make them happy. To give them purpose, goals, and a reason for being. A way to contribute to bettering the cause of humanity.

Sighted:

2005-10-15T14:11:00.000-07:00

First in news

Nathan Fillion sighting! Watch Blast From the Past, he's the ex boyfriend who's in it for a whole scene. I heard the voice and almost heard "We'll take any job, big or small, long as it keeps food on the table and gas in the tanks."

My update

2005-10-13T01:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, new goal is to update my blog more often.

I've been fighting off a bout of depression lately, which has sadly been an uphill battle. I think after a tough gym session I'm over it, but we'll have to wait and see.

It's difficult, you know? Being alone, and on my own for the first time in my life. Balancing work, school, and using what few shreds of time remain to watch out for health and girls. Doesn't bode well for my own mental health.

But when I'm at the gym, it's MY time. It's my chance to get stronger, feel better, and push myself further than I think I can go. Cliche? Maybe. I'm okay with it though.

It's funny, but I'm rapidly reaching an impass in my progression. Jake pointed it out to me the other night on a walk around UVSC campus. There will come a point, when we can't make it any further without someone to help us along the way.

That's rather why it's so hard for us to find girls. We aren't looking for someone to snuggle and cuddle with for a few months, then cast aside. We're looking for companions, people we can talk to, learn from, teach, and grow with. People with goals, dreams, ambitions, personality, and most of all, care enough about themselves that I don't have to love them for two people.

I've been trying to meet new people, but after the girl who "Just wanted to go on a date.", I've been a bit overly cautious.

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, but there hasn't been anything too pleasant to write about. I've found new people to protect. I've found people I want to care about me, but who don't, and vice-versa.

One day, I'll post on this blog about someone, I know I will. I look forward to that day.

For teh Merdiff

2005-10-06T02:09:00.000-07:00

Three Names You Go By
1. Bear
2. Matt
3. Your Majesty

Three Parts of Your Heritage
1. Irish
2. English
3. Scandinavian

Three Things That Scare You
1. The thought of dying old and alone
2. Never falling in love again
3. Being so afraid I never try anything

Three of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Gamecube/PS2/Xbox
2. My Pillow
3. A good book (or I get cranky)

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. My biggest most comfy shirt
2. Levi Shorts
3. My blanket

Three of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment)
1. Rob Thomas
2. Matchbox 20
3. Barenaked Ladies

Three of Your Favorite Songs - at the moment
1. Defy Gravity-Wicked soundtrack
2. If I had a million dollars-BNL
3. Mad Season-Matchbox 20

Three Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)
1. Honesty
2. Someone who likes herself as much as I do
3. Someone who fits just right in my arms

Two Truths and a Lie
1. I find solace only in quiet, stolen moments past midnight
2. I close my eyes so I can see
3. I hate books

Three Physical Things about the Opposite Sex that Appeal to You
1. Hair (I admit it's weird, but it's really fun!)
2. Lips (some girls have cute lips, I am so weird)
3. Legs

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Video Games
2. Reading (anything set on paper, and then some)
3. Writing

Three Things You want to do really badly right now
1. Get some sleep
2. Soar unfettered through countless halls of air
3. Read my book

Three Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Samoa
2. China
3. Ireland

Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Have a family
2. Wander around and Randomly help people without ever giving a name
3. Fall in love

Three Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy
1. Nothing feels better than time at the gym
2. I'm messy
3. I love cooked food but don't take the time to cook

Three people I would like to see take this quiz who haven't already
1. Santa Claus
2. The Grim Reaper
3. Capt. Moroni

Mirrors

2005-10-01T00:37:00.000-07:00

What do you see when you look at me?

Anyone who's stopped by here has seen me, seen my face. I wonder, those that once knew me, those that now know me, which of my many images have you seen? The socialite, who wanders about the room, asking names for faces he'll never see again, and thus forgets like a clod? The dreamer, who sees things for what they might be, rather than what they are, and thus lives in a world of rich possibilities? Do you see the warrior? The lone fighter who's only wish is to die in battle fighting for something? Do you see the romantic, and all of the right things he wants to do and say that are usually stifled by the others? Do you see the shy little boy? The faithful servant? The student? The scientist? The businessman? The creator? The philosopher (Oh, heaven forbid you see him, he can go on so!).

Maybe it's the liar. Oh, how I hate him. I was an actor long before I ever set foot on a stage, I'm afraid. I keep him in check, I think, but has he hurt you without my knowledge?

Perhaps the protector. That part of me that wants to help people. It seems lately anyone I try to help gets hurt, and they go to someone else. I used to thrive living in his world, because it gave me purpose and being. But then, those I protected grew strong enough to fly on their own, or found another to cling to. But I digress.

Or do you see him. The monster. The beast. The part I like to pretend isn't there, but who rears his ugly head when my temper is spent. The one who wants to use the power my size and strength provide for anything! He's feral, unfeeling, and cold. He just wants me to let loose, to set him free. Allowed to reign destruction on this world that has hurt him so. No, I don't think you see him. My own private Mr. Edward Hyde, I suppose, though I'm certainly no Jekyll.

Who we are is mirrored in the eyes of those who see us.

What do you see? Please, tell me.

Disclaimer: This blog is cathartically based. If you don't want have time to listen to me whine, I understand.

2005-09-05T23:36:00.000-07:00

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Those lyrics keep going through my head. That and those words that haunt the corners of my mind like echoes in the darkness, surfacing at times when you can't hear much else.

Liar
Fool
Deciever
Failure
Hypocrite
Whistler in the Dark...

...and about a thousand other things like that. i am deigned and scarred. That which I protected above all else, that which has kept me alive more than once, my sacred honor, was trampled underfoot by one I entrusted a part of it's keeping to.

I have never trusted easily. Trusting someone means you can expect you daily comings and goings not to be common knowledge. To trust is to believe a person will talk to you before passing judgement, and thus you put stock in that judgement. To trust means you believe they will stick by you, forgive you your mistakes, and not expose you to the world. Maybe that's why I have perhaps one truly close friend outside my immediate family.

It isn't for lack of trying. I try to trust. I try to love. Sometimes all I want is to love again, even for just a moment. But after the last time, well, perhaps that part of me that knew how to love was burned away with a few fateful messenger lines.

An injury can end an athletes career, why not heartbreak a lovers? Shall I die, never allowing anyone to see the inner reaches of my wonderful world? To see what I see? Will anyone ever want to?

Two faces...

2005-08-18T04:11:00.000-07:00

I have two faces, two lives I lead every day.

You who know me well, if such a creature there be, know that I am not in person who I am when I write. When I write, I burn away that tired old mask I've worn since high school. I'm less silly, more serious. More honest, I suppose would be the best way to describe it. Maybe more free. The slangs I drop like pebbles along the beach all fall away. I become the thinker, the foolish philosopher, and the dreamer. I create worlds and destinies without a second thought.

And yet I walk out of my bedroom door, and I become someone else entirely. I become the goofy, annoying, air-headed dolt I am in the real world. I do become more outgoing there, which causes me no end of pain, with new people occasionally, but usually with old aquaintces I had hoped, once, were friends. Alas, that is a different story for another day.

So who am I? Am I the secluded hermit, alone with his thoughts, or am I the airy eyed wanderer, who meets others often, but rarely lets anyone in. The hermit wants to allow others in, to experience love in all of it's many ways, but the lighthearted fool will have none of it.

How do you fight a self-menace? How do you slay monsters inside of you? A part of myself that I hid away 6 years ago is begging me to come out, but that side has no social development. He hasn't seen the light of day since then. I suppose he's the part of myself I protect, though I think he's tough enough to care for himself. I suppose I've learned strength, learned to be more real.

But oh, to think again. To see something and not look over my notes of it in my little black notebook to reanalyze.

Yes!

2005-08-09T00:47:00.000-07:00

I am I, Matthias of the Mountains! Lord of the Skies!

It's there, right in front of me, as it's been for so long. I was just too blind to see. Not distant, not too far now, says my map that's never steered me wrong, beyond the fading twilight, there lies my destiny.

I'm alive! I'm free! The days are coming on of trial, strain, and strife. I say bring them to me! For beyond them lies promise of new hope, new dreams, and new possibilities. I am no longer afraid. Fear has only held me back from adventure, strife, and pain. Give them to me! Give me life on a stick, on hammer, on a brick. Give it me, to make of it what I will. Raw and untamed, I will shape it as it shapes me, together we will create beauty and truth.

Oh our lives are so fleeting, so preciously short and sweet. A brief moment, a mere drop in the river of time. Yet how important a drop. How great a drop shall it be? that can only be dictated by it's owner. Each tear will pass, each joy will pass, but in their moments they are golden and priceless.

Overly optimistic? NO!

It's my journey, my path. I get to choose it! If I want it rocky, it will be rocky. If I want it rainy, soggy, and wet, it will be rainy soggy and wet. And should the road change without my choosing, I'll juggle the stones and dance in the rain, for they too are fleeting short.

Give me heartache and give me heartbreak, for they both mean I have loved. I will remember this one day, not to have loved, and I will laugh and count myself lucky.

My life is my own, if I choose to live it!

Now...

Come horizon!

COME!

2005-07-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

To live. To awake. To breathe.

I want that. I want my own reality. I want to try things that everyone else thinks are stupid and impossible. Then I want to do them. I'm so sick of that word.

Impossible.

Just a big word used by small men. I'm a lot of things, but small isn't one of them. In any way.

2005-07-10T16:22:00.000-07:00

Gacked from Chels

Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me.
It can only be one word.

No more.

Then copy & paste this in your journal so that I may leave a word about you.

Journey On

2005-06-27T21:52:00.000-07:00

It feels good just to sit sometimes. To bask in the warm glow of my computer screen, listen to matchbox 20, which, for some reason really speaks to me. Bands don't usually do that. I tend to love anything acoustic, and when I found some acoustic stuff they did online, I fell even further. I'm still convinced 3 a.m. is one of the greatest songs ever, but it's acoustic counterpart blows it out of the water.

Just to sit, listening to waves of harmony flow over your body like water, filling you up somehow, that's heaven. This is feeling alive for a few minutes. This is the reason to exist, just to do so. No concern about destiny, fate, pain, love, death, or any of it.

Words just seem to flow off your fingertips. You don't know why, but they just do. You don't know why you say anything, because usually it doesn't feel like anyone reads it. But you keep posting. It's what you do because it keeps you sane, and it makes you happy. Happy to be alive.

I love this quiet so much sometimes. No loud obnoxious rock blaring in your ears from across the house. No screaming babies (I love them so much, but I think it's true that they're the cutest when they sleep). Just me. Here.

Went to see Batman Begins tonight. My geekishness was appeased therein. I was so afraid they would do to Scarecrow what they did to Poison Ivy, Two Face, and Riddler. Even Raz Algul was just amazing. Highly recommend it, if you even remotely like Batman still.

My only objection was the half hour of trailers that came first. THough the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Teaser was just lovely. Very excited for that.

Tried to scare up a date for tonight. No luck, she never called back, but hey, this is progress for me. At least I'm trying.

It's weird when your subconscious takes over your fingers and you start typing. You never know what's going to come out. My brother's been telling me lately, i'm like Multimedia software, that whenever anyone says something, I can come up with a song, a movie, a web site, a comic, something it reminds me of. Usually it somehow pops out of my mouth without my even realizing it. I guess I randomly break into song without meaning to. Steve keeps chuckling at me and saying "multimedia software" as he shakes his head.

Observation: being a 3rd wheel sucks. Watching my brother and his girlfriend hold each other close, yeah that sucks. I haven't had that since High School. Well, one other time, but that was a mistake. The first time is still fond in my memories.

Any Star Wars fans should check out http://darthside.blogspot.com/, nicely written, though the grammatics are off sometimes. i guess mine is too, so I've nowhere to complain.

I guess I haven't really said anything intelligible yet, have I? Well, no sense in starting now.

Really bored

2005-06-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

You have a Purple Lightsaber.

Purple is associated with wisdom, dignity,
independence, creativity, mystery, and magic.
Purple denotes high spirituality and religious
aspiration. Purple also represents Peacefulness
and Purification. It also has a sense of
intuitive understanding and a feeling of
intimacy with the world.

What Colored Lightsaber Would You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Bored, so I thought I'd steal this from Josh. Answer if you will.

WOULD U?
[_] go out with me?
[_] give me your number?
[_] kiss me?
[_] let me kiss you?
[_] watch a movie with me?
[_] let me take you out to dinner?
[_] let me drive you somewhere
[_] cut some rug with me?
[_] take a shower with me?
[_] be my bf/gf?
[_] have a fling with me?
[_] let me buy you a drink?
[_] take me home for the night?
[_] Would you let me sleep in your bed?
[_] Sing car karaoke w/ me?
[_] re-post this for me to answer your questions?
[_] give me a piggyback ride?
[_] Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere
[_] Lock me in your room and take advantage of me?
[_] lick my cheek?
[_] dance with me?
[_] let me make you breakfast?
[_] tap that ass?
[_] help me with homework?
[_] tickle me to death?
[_] let me tickle you?
[_] stick up for me if i was being put down?
[_] carress my body?
[_] play strip poker with me?
[_] say yes if i asked you out?
[_] borrow a pair of my underwear if yours for some reason got ruined?
[_] let me borrow your underwear if for some reason mine got ruined?
[_] get wasted with me?
[_] instant message me?
[_] greet me in public?
[_] hang out with me?
[_] bring me around your friends?

D0 Y0U...
[_] think im cute?
[_] think im hot?
[_] want to kiss me?
[_] want to cuddle with me?
[_] want to hook up with me?

ARE WE...
[_] aquintences?
[_] friends?
[_] in a relationship?
[_] gonna have kids?

AM i...
[_] smart?
[_] cute?
[_] funny?
[_] cool?
[_] loveable?
[_] adorable?
[_] compassionate?
[_] annoying?
[_] great to be with?
[_] attractive?
[_] mean?
[_] odd?

answer these for me
HAVE Y0U EVER...
[_] thought about me?
[_] thought there might be an "us"?
[_] thought about hookin up with me?
[_] found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
[_] wished i were there?
[_] grabbed me?
[_] had a crush on me?
[_] idolized me?
[_] wanted my number?
[_] had a dream about me?
[_] been distracted by me?

ARE Y0U...
[_] done with this survey?
[_] happy you know me?
[_] mad at me?
[_] thinkin bout me?

Warning: this blog entry contains geeky refrences to comic books

2005-06-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

A friend recently posted this on his blog.

"Spider man is the alter ego of Peter Parker. Batman is the alter ego of Bruce Wayne. Daredevil is the alter ego of Matt Murdock. The Hulk is Bruce Banner. The list goes on and on. When these men wake up in the morning they are the regular normal men they portray in everyday real life. Peter Parker was born Peter Parker and Bruce Wayne was born Bruce Wayne etc.. THese men are normal men in real life and then become their super hero counterparts. Such is not the case with Superman. He was not born as Clark Kent. Clark didn not fall into some radioactive ooze and become the man of steel. He was born Superman. Clark Kent is his alter ego, his disguise, his cloke of anonymity. The glasses, the suit, the awkwardness. Those are his costumes. The clothing he wears when he is Superman are HIS cloths, not a costume. He was wrapped in the blanket with the big S on it when he was born. We cannot escape what we are."

Tosh (and yes, he really has a name that cool) made a good point. But as he saw himself as Superman, I've come to see myself as another man of steele.

I know, I know, I've joked for years about being the incredible Hulk, but the fact is, that was mostly because i was scared it's true. Hulk is powerful, yes, but unrestrained, full of rage,and free to use his power. I've always known there was power inside me, and I've always been afraid of what would happen if I ever let it out.

But now? I think Colossus of the X-men is more my style. An angel of grace pointed out to me that I should be him. I'm strong as can be, with a heart and soul of poetry. That just feels like a better fit than anger unrestrained until it explodes into feral rage.

I would rather be soft, human flesh until someone needs strength and steele, then I'm all there, ready and waiting.

Tosh goes on to say how there are some people showing minor accolades as greatness, that wear it like a disguise. I think one thing he neglected to mention, was that many times great people, like himself, try NOT to appear great. Usually, that's called humility.

I know Tosh is great, he always has been. I know a lot of great people, and if you don't know who you are, double check, because, as my dad would say, "Greatness, like everything, is a choice."

Colossus

If anything's possible...

2005-06-01T23:35:00.000-07:00

What do you want?

No, seriously, if you could have anything you wanted in the entire world, any life, any wish, any fantastic dream you only dandle in your imagination, what would it be?

I think it's so funny when I hear the phrase "I'd give anything..." to go to, to have, to get, whatever.

And yet, it seems to me that whenever we say that, we're talking about the things we don't give anything for, either because we percieve them as too much work or as impossible.

I've heard that phrase on the lips of many people who consider themselves "dreamers". I say it's garbage. If you really were willing to give anything, you'd give it. If you want it that badly you would wear yourself out, day in and day out finding a way to make it possible.

I'm sure countless people throughout the ages have said "I wish I were rich.", "I wish I were strong", "I wish I wasn't so fat", or "I'd give anything to dance like that".

These phrases are spoken many times every day, but the fact is for every good thing in life, there's a price to pay. For the rich man, it may be years of struggle, poverty, fear of failure, and being the only one who believes in you.

For the the strong man and the fat man, it may be hours upon hours in the gym, hours researching foods, fewer junk foods, time spent learning about the body and muscle groups.

For the dancer it's hours on the stage, money into lessons, practice unceasing.

Have you ever noticed that when you really pusue something because you saw someone else do it well, very soon you forget about why you started, and just revel in the experience? For me, I want to be a great writer someday. Maybe all I'll ever publish is this blog, but if one person per entry for one moment stops and thinks, then I've accomplished my work for one day. And if they don't, so what? I get more satisfaction of vomiting thought and emotion onto this screen than anything I've ever done before.

I have known great people in all facets of life, and all of them have paid a harsh price for where they are. I recently heard a gentleman of my aquaintance, when asked about his ideal mate, respond "I need a girl who has suffered for her faith." I think he's right. Metal untried in forge's flame crumbles and dusts before it does much of anything.

So I have to stop and think, sometimes, before I let one slip, "What are you really willing to give?" Because the minute I say it, it becomes either a goal, or a lie. I recommend it highly to anyone who's ever wondered about what it takes to be great at something, to ask. We usually know enough about something to at least begin.

In conclusion, build castles in the sky, as they say, THEN worry about foundations beneath them. Build them strong, for they may be all you have in dark times.

Rough roads bring Great Adventures

2005-05-26T00:20:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately about why things have to be so difficult. It's an age old question pondered my men much smarter than I, and I have little to add on the subject that has not already been said many different times in many different ways.

Especially, though, I wonder why trials seem to stack up against those who are making a sincere effort to be good. To be better than they are, to grow as a human being, to recognize the power they have inside of them? Why are these the ones who are given the hardest roads to walk?

Because in order to get to Heaven, you have to go through Hell. Why? I don't know. But i do know the most humble and righteous people I've ever met, people you'd almost expect to be translated to another state of existance because they're so honest, brave, and true, the ones who practice pure religion, are the ones who've had it tested every concievable way and in more than a few inconceivable ones.

I guess it wouldn't be any fun if it were easy, now would it? Good journeys!

A Warning (I use the unisex She a lot)

2005-05-21T21:48:00.000-07:00

The writer of fiction has advantages and disadvantages when it comes to religion.

A fictioneer knows the value of stories in teaching truth. She knows that truth is often best expressed in story, either by example or by metaphor. She knows that the entire spectrum of humanity is within the scope of the writer, and can be changed in a single instant by experience or by insight.

A writer knows that a person will believe, even if just for a moment, anything that they hope is true, or anything they're afraid is true. A writer knows that to find true happiness in religion, it must not be based on these things.

A writer knows that a convincing lie can make the general populous do stupid things (see Salem Witch hunts), and so knows that truth cannot come from a lie.

A writer has imagination, and she usually believes that much more, if not anything, is possible, and so things like God and power beyond our understanding very well could exist or have existed.

A writer knows that if a religion teaches in stories and metaphor, they must be true stories and metaphor, whether that be true to history or true to teachings.

It is very easy for a writer to convince herself that everything she has ever been taught in life is false. It is much harder, though infinitely more worthwhile, to believe in something she doesn't understand.

Admitting that though she has the power to create entire imaginary worlds, she does not fully grasp the one she lives in.

Insights on being the Everman

2005-05-10T01:28:00.000-07:00

I'm getting into bad habits on my blog again. Sorry, for the few remaining readers I have.

I was once writing a paper on Everyman when once I mispelled his name and put Everman. The minute I typed it, I laughed a little to myself and said "okay, prima donna, don't write about yourself, here."

It was meant as a joke at the time, you know, to make me smile? But somehow,time and time again, that name has come up in my mind, always in reference to me. "I can't, I'm the Everman." "I won't, I'm the Everman." "I shouldn't, I'm the Everman.", as though it were some sort of great title bestowed by a lord or king.

I have and will only serve one King and one Lord? was it bestowed of him? I've wondered what it could mean, Everman. The Eternal Man? He who shall not die?

Then I wonder if it's just a way of flattering myself. Have I held on to it because it's a part of who I am, or just a part of what I want to be?

The only half baked conclusions I have are that I am different, because I recognize my own spiritual immortality. Mine is not to die. Mine is to live forever, to continue to learn and grow beyond my death. To never cease progressing under the tutelage of my Father.

I am free because of the rules I live by, rules given to me from on high. If I hadn't heard it from the Spirit, I might have laughed it off. I am free, not because rules have been drilled into me, but because I have broken those rules, and found myself a slave to something else. I found that what I thought were my shackles were silken threads of love, guiding me back home.

Being an Everman means recognizing you're a stranger in the world, that you "come trailing clouds of Glory". You don't belong here, not forever. Only 70-90 short years, and you will be where you belong. It means recognizing you are where you are to help yourself and the others here with you.

Being an Everman is not an easy task or calling. It means constant vigilance and evaluation of where you are and where you're going.

It means being a "peter-priesthood" who knows why he's doing it, and being unafraid of mock. It means relating to characters from sacred scripture because he feels ridiculed for believing the way he does. That entertainment is a passing, flighty fancy. That a drunken stupor must inevitably end in a few eternally miniscule hours.

And the hardest part of being the Everman?

It means being strong. Even in your weakest moments, it means being stronger than the devil himself, a being of incalculable evil. This isn't bragging. This is the part you fight every day when you're trying to do what's right, because in the moment you determine to be good the rest of your life, the forces of Hell will mount against you in all of their filthy ugliness.

Melodramatic? Maybe. Try living it, and tell me if I took it overboard.

To muster the courage to speak the truth...

2005-04-08T22:28:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a man who loves war. I see killing other people as senseless and accomplishing little. Nevertheless, if my country called on me to fight to defend the rights of my family, friends, and freedom, I'd be first in line to sign up, not because I believe that it would solve anything, but because I believe there are some things worth fighting for.
I don't have a family of my own. I don't have children or a wife to leave behind, so maybe it's easier for me to make that claim, but I think if I had those things it would only serve to cement my conviction deeper, because I believe in a place where everyone has a right to practice what they believe, so long as it does no harm to those around them.
I look around me and see lives being taken in the name of various gods. The "Muslim" Jihadists, the "Jewish" Israeli Fundamentalists, about thirty "Christian" cults I can name off the top of my head, look in almost any part of the world,in any religion in the world, and you can find a group killing in the name of deity.
A favorite quote of mine is "There's nothing more dangerous than a killer who thinks God's on his side." Now, I pose the question to you, which is more dangerous, a man who kills with the blessing of his god, or the man who know?
In our High Schools and Universities we post pro-religious materials, to counteract general feelings of unease generated by religious monsters who don't perpetuate the morals of the religion they claim to fight for. I say this is foolishness, and will accomplish nothing if those who truly follow their faiths don't stand up and count themselves among those who live their religion fully and truly. The exemplary lives of the faithful, in any religion, is the best way to teach religious tolerance.
Now, I don't think that prejudice is due to those who live well their beliefs. I believe it's due mostly to sensationalism in the American media, and the need to post every depressing, atrocious, and sick act commited anywhere in the world over the airwaves. So why are the innocent punished? Because it's easier to believe what you see on tv than what you see with your own eyes. It's simpler to just be told what to think. I'm guilty of it too, I suppose.
My hope is that I will be ready when the day comes to show myself as an example, because take it from someone who's been there, it isn't easy being a pillar of religion day in and day out. In fact, it gets downright annoying.

2005-04-07T15:49:00.000-07:00

Jake

21 Years

2005-03-07T21:15:00.000-08:00

Attention: Executive Angel in charge of birthdays

Wednesday is my 21st birthday. This is a very important day for me. Now, I'm not saying you should "ensure" the day goes well, nor am I even suggesting that "someday you and I will meet and I can bench-press you twice over so you dang well better take good care of me or else."

All I'm saying is, I'm on Napalm sharing terms with loveknot.

Do have a nice day!

Begging a favor of all my fans

2005-02-19T14:22:00.000-08:00

I REALLY want an Ipod, but sadly I don't have the money to get one. I was mentioning it to my Brother-in-law one day, and he told me he had one he got free.

Here's the catch, though. I had to do one of those offer thingies that I just cancelled as soon as I placed it, which is no big deal. The catch is I need five loverly people to do an offer too. You do an offer, even if you cancel it, and i get an Ipod. Then you get five peeps to do it for you, and YOU get one.

Please help? I'll love you forever. Seriously!

http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=15381614

Follow that and you're on your way. I know. I'm pathetic, but hey, it's worth a shot, right?

Meme

2005-02-05T01:35:00.000-08:00

Post a (real) memory of me.
It can be anything you want.
Then post this to your journal.
See what people remember of you.

Happy Winter-een-mas!

2005-01-20T15:48:00.000-08:00

I read once about the three treasures of Japan. The Power of the Jewel, the Power of the Sword, and the Power of the Mirror. The Jewel represents money, what a man can buy. The Sword represents the strength of the body to take what it needs by force. But by far the most treasured is the power of the Mirror, the ability to see one's self clearly.

I see my features first. My green eyes, my brown hair, the little mole under my left temple that my hair mostly covers up, it's all there. Some days I just move on from there and begin my day.

But if I stop and pause for a minute, I look in my eyes and I begin to see how my decisions are affecting my life. I can see a sparkle of life in my eyes if all is as it should be. The world is mine to command, to bring to life my every desire. I can do anything. That's when I know I'm doing it right, when I feel my most alive and real.

Occasionally, though, there is another look. One I have seen often in people around me, but one I've tried to escape for myself. It's a glazed over, tired look that no amount of sleep can cure. The only way to describe it is incurable exhaustion. It's when the spark is smothered by foolish busywork. It's at these times, when I get no joy out of life, that I realize I am not really alive, I'm a living corpse.

The only remedy I have found is to sit myself down and have a very long, very serious, play time. If I don't play for a few hours at least when my eyes get that way, it only gets worse. The only viable remedy for zombie syndrome is to laugh, cry, shout, smile, run, play video games, read fun books, draw, write a story, or sing a song. That's when I'm alive. That brings me back to life.

Conclusion:

To play is to be alive, Work is just a byproduct.

Happy Winter-een-mas!

Difficulties

2004-12-13T01:25:00.000-08:00

It's easy to put off posting when nobody reads your words. Does anyone listen? Do you read what I'm writing here? I am sorry if you really exist, oh reader in my imagination. I'm going to post better for you, so that one day, you won't be in my imagination. Thank you.

I find myself longing for the few minutes a day I can spend meditating. The ability to clear my mind is one of the greatest things I've learned from martial training. The peace and calm that comes from it seems to be the best remedy for any turmoil I come across. If I could just find a quiet place in nature to do it, my whole life would be set. If anyone knows of a cave or secluded glade in American Fork they'd like to share, I'd certainly appreciate it.

Well, I'm alive, and now, armed with my new laptop and wireless internet connection, intend to be a better poster.

2004-10-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

What, you didn't get the memo? September was "Don't update your blog" month. It's a very ancient and precious holiday, celebrated by religious slackers the world over. Okay, I lied, but I'm back now and trying to do better. So LAY OFF ME!

Sorry. Well, my life continues to grow steadily more boring. As the days become more and more monotonous, My day and night dreams grow more and more curious. Dragons, castles, and wizards, spaceships, dinosaurs, and Rod Serling (see "The Twilight Zone"), many forming strange and nonsensical plotlines, that sometimes I can string together to make sense. My writing continues to improve, although I find myself leaving my online communal role-playing endeavors to pursue my own. One more thing I should really try to fix.

Writing to me is like a great game, but one that I cannot sleep unless I play. It's an addiction. All I want to do is retreat into my mind and play for hours and days on end. There I am the Goblin King, the Knight in Shining Armor, and a million other silly and fantastic things.

Alas, I knew me well.

Delusions of Mediocrity

2004-08-28T14:49:00.000-07:00

I had a nightmare last night that was probably the scariest I've had in a long while. I dreamed that I was an insurance salesman, every day for fifty years, I watched as though in fast motion the pictures on the walls of my office fade, the shiny name plate loses its luster. I got older and older and older until the day came when my tweny to thirty year old boss came in and informed me that they were finally granting me early retirement. I went home to an empty house and surfed the net for a while. I would go fishing on the weekends with other old men. I would look at the mahogony desk my grandfather gave me years ago, thinking of the stories I had always dreamed of writing there, back when I was twenty, and naive.

The dream didn't end there, but I'd rather not think about what happened next. Let's just say no one came to my funeral. It was like the last scene in "Death of a Salesman". A true nightmare of mediocrity.

First of all, I don't want anyone to think I'm down on insurance salesmen. I have a lot of respect for anyone that can do that, but I know it's not the life for me. That being said, on with my rant.
I've been toying with the idea recently that generally, all of us have untapped and unlimited potential. We have the ability to "Defy Gravity" as a pretty girl of my aquaintance mantras periodically.

I think she's right. I think we are only limited by the boundaries we set in our own minds. I believe it was Napolean Hill who said "We become that which dominates our thoughts."

Carpe Diem. Seize the day. It's time, my friends. Your hour is upon you. What will you do with it? For myself, I think I shall avoid insurance offices, and put that mahogony desk to use, before I become too naive to use it.

Sometimes God sends Angels

2004-08-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

I was coming off a hard day. Not entirely good, but not entirely bad. My camping trip was spoiled, but my boating trip was not. I fought with my parents, was lectured several times and was ready to disappear.

Then God sent me angels. Three wonderful, beautiful girls who don't mind running through the sprinklers and helping a guy with a chip on his shoulder.

I got to thinking back to other angels in my life. There was the beautiful, platinum blonde who could make me smile despite me deepest anger spells. The same girl who would come over to my apartment and just hang out, which always seemed to come when I'd had a bad day. She would feel sad, and would come to our beloved "Dungeon", and all would be well, for all of us.

I think often of the girl I came to think of as Queen of the stage. She ruled it like a kingdom, her eyes shining with intelligence and majesty. Everyone obeyed her, often without knowing why. I once thought that the moment she cut her beautiful brown hair, my heart would burst, though it turns out her power trascended even the heavenly laws of hair, for when I first saw her in a picture with it cut, I was stunned that none of her majesty, none of her glory was diminished one jot or tittle.

Of course who could forget the radiant and mysterious brunette with the soul of a gypsy of my acquaintance, who gave me no end of frustration, but at the same time was always there when I needed to talk, though I think I took her up on it only once or twice.

There was the brilliant, sweet, and funny girl from High School. What she saw in me I still haven't figured out, and I'm sure she often asks herself the same question.

You could say I'm one lucky guy. I didn't really recognize it before, but I really am. I've seen real live true angels, sent to me from the God of Heaven, whether they knew they were or not. Thanks girls.

Who you really are...

2004-08-04T22:12:00.000-07:00

Did you ever sit back in a comfortable place, and just imagine yourself in the role you were meant to be born in?

I was meant to be born a knight. I can almost see myself on the evening before my official knighting, spending time in prayer and supplication before an altar, my sword strapped to my back. A long ceremonial cloak flows past my plate and chain mail, decorated in the colors of my house. Black, silver, and red.

I would wear my hair long, to show my enemies I'm not afraid to give them the advantage (testosterone-ish? maybe, but this is MY fantasy, not yours).

What about you?

Love in it's many facets

2004-07-31T00:16:00.000-07:00

I've had a lot of weird stuff running through my head lately. Scenario's mostly. What might've been and what yet may be. It's funny to think what might've happened if I'd kissed her that night, or if I'd called another her after our first date, or if I'd had the confidence in myself to ask multiple past, present, and future hers out.I believe the operative words here are "I'd" and "her".

Here's a good one for you, "I'd never believe my own luck with 'hers' if I hadn't experienced it myself."

Thinking about this is rather strange. My whole life I've never looked back and said anything in regret. Usually I just used a favorite excuse like, "Oh, well, we couldn't las 2 years apart anyway." or "She would've sent the ol' dear John after 6 months.". There was only one person I had any regret with and we wound up being too different to be together as anything more than friends.

I came home and now I've run out of excuses for not dating (except that I just don't want to). It's an unusual thing, I suppose, for a guy in my position NOT to want to date, butthen again when have I ever been usual about anything?

I do miss the tingles, though. You know what I'm talking about. That uspoken feeling you have whenever you think of someone special to you, to whom you know you're also special, like sheer energy flowing through your body, crackling at certain points with pure warmth.

Yeah, I miss that. But it makes life a lot easier to be invincibilly secure behind a wall of seclusion.

Unfortunately, the heart is as much a muscle as a bicep or quadricep, and will atrophy with time. That's my only fear. That my own invicibility will be my own undoing. Ah, well, working at my job and trying to find a girl, not having success at either.

Light at the end of the tunnell

2004-07-06T17:07:00.000-07:00

It seems that darkest night precedes the dawn. I'm finally on an upcurve for once. Had to change the layout of the screen here. Black gets so droll sometimes. Green felt right for now.

I finally found some work, though I don't expect a great paycheck. I start tomorrow working at Office Max. For now, work is work. I'm glad to finally begin the process of acclimation back into normal society. Money is my friend, I hope we'll soon be seeing a lot more of each other.

The darkness has begun to dissipate, The mist fading again into the black recesses of my mind I didn't know were there before. I'm finally starting to feel more like myself. Once I figured out that I'm really a pretty decent person, I started to like myself again. I'm also shedding these blasted social inhibitions that somehow were imposed upon my former overly impressionable mind. The biggest lesson I've learned in the last year was that nobody, and I mean NOBODY, has power to influence me without my permission. I'm almost back to full strength, and I refuse to give my power to anyone ever again. One of the great justices this world has to offer is that we get to choose who we want to be. I choose who I once was. I choose to be the person I loved when I was here a year ago.

I'm back baby!

2004-07-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

Getting downright onry (sp?) lately. Can't seem to find a way out of my house to save my life. I can't sleep at night, and barely sleep in the day. This sucks. Damn you insomnia!

On the upside of things, I resumed communications with a very nice young lady of my aquaintance. A year is a long time, but some people don't notice, while others do. I most certainly don't mind.

Tried writing again. It's like flexing muscles I haven't used in a long time. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll never get back to where I was, but then again, I don't really care that much.

Still dealing with stupid issues about how I look, who I am, where I'm going and all that. It's a weird thing to tread water. I was always getting ready before. Now I have nothing to get ready for. My whole life's mission was to be ready for the one event I proved unable to complete in it's fullness. I keep trying to tell myself it's because I'm sick, but this twisted, tiny part of myself keeps laughing every time I say that.

"It's all in your head." He keeps saying.
"Then why the migraine's? Why the ulcer?"
"It's all psychosomatic. You just couldn't hack it."
"Just shut up."

Boy, aren't I just a big bucket 'o sunshine? Well, trying to resolve stuff as best I can. Need work. Anyone know of someplace that's hiring, let me know.

On another note, please don't post anonymously if you can avoid it. I love knowing names of the people who look at my blog. It's nice to know someone actually stops here once in a great while.

Luve ya'all!

Inane ramblings

2004-06-28T15:16:00.000-07:00

Slept until four in the afternoon today. Lazy slacker? I think so. I didn't get to sleep until five or six this morning, though, so that's my lame excuse for the day. Insomnia's a bitch, I guess.

Got a call from a girl who is my friend who didn't used to be just my friend. It was so great to talk to someone who is so unafraid of affection with everyone. Refreshing really. I'm really happy for her and her boy. He treats her well. What a stud. He gets the stamp of approval.

Life really knows how to twist the road so badly that the journey you thought you were taking isn't really the way you're headed at all. What to do with the next 60 years of my life is all I really want to figure out, but heaven is silent and hell keeps beckoning. I know there's a way out of this cycle, if anyone knows what it is, I'd sure appreciate a clue in.

These dumb questions keep plauging me. Where has the poetry gone, the unadulterated beauty I always saw around me? Where are the colors, the shapes, the sounds, the laughter I knew so well? The world is looking bleak and textureless. Pathetic? Perhaps.

Here I am

2004-06-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

It seems I'm entering into a new phase of life. Rather a different concept for me, having lived most of my life in a manner that has been very planned out for me. Now, with options screaming in my face, and nowhere to go to fully understand what each choice will mean, my destiny stands off in the distance, laughing.

I need a hamburger.